You there. Which way to Pepperinge Eye?
Couldn't say, sir.
It said on the wireless to paint out the signposts in case the Nazis drop in.
I'm not a Nazi. I'm a British officer.
That's what you'd say if you was a Nazi, isn't it, sir?
Drive on, corporal.
Sorry to give you so many, but you do have six bedrooms.
Oh, no trouble, my dear.
Anything to get the poor things away from those terrible bombings in London.
Come along, now. There. Go.
Hey, what about us?
- Oh, yes. What is your name, please? - Rawlins, ma'am.
Rawlins? Rawlins. Oh, yes, here we are.
Carrie.
Charles.
Paul.
You're for Miss Price. I'm expecting her in.
Hello? Who goes there?
I won't be a moment. Please, don't touch anything.
Blasted fellow, put down that ridiculous thing.
Bit of rust comes from standing in the cellar.
How should I know you is a British officer?
- Now, what's all this? - They've seen fifth columns around here.
Claims he's lost, asking suspicious questions.
Madam, will you tell this man that I'm Captain Ainsley Greer,
attached to army headquarters at Tidbury?
And I'm not to be menaced by that grotesque object.
- Please be calm, captain. - I'm exceptionally calm,
if one considers as we stand dithering here, our country is in the grip of crisis.
There's the immediate prospect of invasion, however remote.
Our bedashed enemy might choose this godforsaken part of the country.
Captain, we may have been out of things for the last few hundred years,
but we pride ourselves on the history of this village.
May I remind the captain, during the eighth and ninth centuries,
the marauding Danes frequently came ashore in this precise area.
Fascinating. Now, may I inquire, who is in charge here?
I am. Postmistress and chairman of the War Activities Committee.
Oh, you don't also command the home guard, do you?
I do not. That is General Sir Brian Teagler,
late of His Majesty's Royal Northumberland Fugleliers.
Call out the navy Call out the ranks
Call out the air force Call out the tanks
From the cliffs of Dover Call up the gulls
And don't forget the loyal territorials
But who's digging in here? Who will defend
Every inch of England No matter what they send?
Who's standing firm in our own front yard? The soldiers of the old home guard
That's who!
The soldiers of the old home guard
For we wrote the story Of the old brigade
We know the glory Of yesterday's parades
Who's standing firm in our own front yard? The soldiers of the old home guard
That's who!
The soldiers of the old home guard
Left, left, halt!
- Permission to dismiss the parade, sir. - Carry on, sergeant.
Parade dismissed!
Captain Greer, sir, from headquarters at Tidbury,
here to check military preparations in the area.
Tell them Pepperinge Eye has matters well in hand.
But nevertheless, l... What on earth is that?
Good morning, general.
I received your message, Mrs. Hobday. I assume that my parcel has arrived.
- It's in the office. - Ah, lovely.
- Who is that? - Miss Price, splendid woman.
Her late father served with me at Vimy Ridge.
What does she burn in this thing?
- It smells a bit like sulfur. - Ridiculous.
One can't make motor fuel out of sulfur.
Here we are. Another object from Professor Emelius Browne in London.
Thank you.
- Is it what you expected? - I imagine so.
Professor Browne sent you a cat last time, did he not?
Yes.
- Professor Browne is well? - I haven't the faintest idea.
Are we to have the pleasure of meeting him?
I very much doubt it.
I don't know Professor Browne personally. Was there something else?
As a matter of fact, there is. Come this way, Miss Price.
- I'm very anxious to get home, you know. - Come along, please.
- Get down, Charlie. I wanna ride. - Slash him, Paul.
- Hey, back, you monsters. - Stop it this instant.
Children, this is Miss Price.
Carrie, Charles and Paul Rawlins.
- All the way from London. - How do you do?
- How are you, miss? - Hello.
The government are trying to evacuate
as many children as possible into the country.
- Very sensible of them. - Today they sent us 45.
And I've had to find homes for all of them at very short notice.
These are the last three. All right, children, pick up your things.
You're not suggesting that I should take these children into my house?
Exactly.
Oh, I'm sorry. But that's quite out of the question.
Children and I don't get on.
I believe you, miss.
- Come on, back to London. - Hooray!
Be quiet.
Besides, I have work to do. Very important work.
Miss Price. You do have that entire house to yourself.
And according to the order of the Ministry of Civil Defence, you have no choice.
I see.
Very well, if that is the case, I shall take them into my house,
with the understanding that you find a more suitable home as soon as possible.
Fine. Come along.
Ah, good morning, Miss Price. There they are. Oh, Miss Price.
What a charitable thing you are doing,
taking in these poor unfortunates from the city.
- Hold this very carefully. - I wonder, Miss Price,
- if I may drop by later this afternoon? - Why?
Well, we have their spiritual needs to consider now, do we not?
That won't be necessary. They won't be with me for long.
Ooh!
Upon occasion, one does feel alarmed for Miss Price.
Alone, unprotected, living in that desolate lane.
One does admire her so tremendously.
One also admires Miss Price's sturdy house, the four acres of desirable land
and the fine prospect overlooking the sea, does one not?
I shall be frank.
One needs an anchor of domesticity.
A feeling that one has a cozy place to return to
- as one fares forth to do heaven's work. - Oh, how is the vicar?
His wound is better, thank you.
Oh. How marvelous for the vicar,
to be struck down not in his gathering old age, but on the field of battle,
bringing in the wounded and the helpless.
Will you be taking his place?
In the army, I mean.
Alas...
If I only could. My quinsy, you know.
My parcel, please.
Bring your things inside.
- Bit murky, ain't it? - Yeah.
Not another house around here for miles.
- Wipe your feet. - Big place, this.
Who else lives here?
I live alone. It suits my purpose.
All right. Come along, everybody.
Sorry, miss, the cat startled us.
No need for alarm. You just frightened him, that's all.
Yeah. Scared to death. You can see that.
What do you call your cat?
I don't believe in giving animals ridiculous names.
I call him Cosmic Creepers, because that's the name he came with.
You will sleep in here.
This was my father's bedroom
and I want you to be very careful of everything in it.
- You boys take the bed there. - All right, miss.
- What was your name? - It's Carrie, miss.
- Carrie, you sleep on the sofa in there. - Thank you, miss.
Is that all you brought?
We ain't exactly burdened down with frillies.
Travel light, that's us.
Well, I don't think this arrangement is going to work,
but it seems that I have no alternative.
- We'll do our best, miss. Really, we will. - Thank you, Carrie.
The bathroom is along the landing. Supper is at 6.
- You will wash thoroughly. - Wash?
You will wash yourselves. Otherwise, there will be no supper.
Is that clear?
A house of horror, that's what we've come to.
- I'll look after him, I'll get him clothes. - Yeah, okay.
Okay? I'll get your clothes.
Please don't bother to whisper. I am exceptionally keen of hearing.
You are planning to run back to London.
If you have any more plotting to do, please do it elsewhere
where I shan't have to listen to it.
I want you all to sit down after supper and write to your parents
- and tell them that you are well. - We have no parents, Miss Price.
- Who do you live with, then? - Aunt Betty. She took care of us.
Still, she wasn't even a real aunt, was she?
Don't you know anything about your own parents?
I don't remember anything. Aunt Betty knew once,
- but she don't anymore. - Why is that?
Three nights ago, the bombs were getting a bit close
so I took Charlie and Paul down to the underground to sleep.
Aunt was working late and she got home the same time as one of Jerry's bombs.
I'm sure your aunt was a very kind woman.
Yes, ma'am, she was.
I'm afraid I don't know much about what children eat.
You'll have to make do as I do.
Is there anything particular that you fancy?
Sausage and mash. Bubble and squeak.
Toad-in-the-hole. Fried fish. Oh, anything at all.
I'm afraid you won't find any fried foods in this house.
- No fried food? - No.
How do you keep your health?
What's all that?
Cabbage buds, rose hips, glyssop seed,
elm bark, whortle yeast and stewed nettles.
And in the pot there, mango wuzzle jam.
Mango wuzzle?
Yes. Very nourishing.
For what we are about to receive, let us be truly thankful.
"Dear madam, with this shipment,
the Emelius Browne Correspondence College of Witchcraft
sends you its heartiest congratulations
on qualifying for the first degree of your chosen calling.
You may now call yourself
apprentice witch.
Yours faithfully, Emelius Browne."
My first broom.
Time to go. Everybody up.
Wake up, Paul. We're going back to London.
Now, let's see how we fly this thing.
Here we are.
"Clasp the broom with both hands."
Yes, of course.
"No. Never astride the broom."
Yes, of course. "Technically, a witch is always a lady,
except when circumstances dictate otherwise.
Take an easy, graceful sideways position."
Of course, that's much better. An easy, graceful sideways position.
There we are. How's that?
"To start up the broom, your basic formula:
Lakipo, nikrif, scrumpet, leetch"
I wasn't ready.
"Lakipo, nikrif, scrumpet, leetch"
Now, watch this.
Here we go.
Lakipo, nikrif, scrumpet, leetch
It's going to be a little different this time.
All right, I know it's not ladylike.
Lakipo, nikrif, scrumpet, leetch
- Cor. - What's the matter?
- How does she do that? - Because she's a witch.
- That's the sort of thing witches do. - Oh.
Oh!
She don't fly good, do she?
- She's crashed. - Come on. Now's our chance to hop it.
- Suppose she's hurt? - Go on. You can't hurt a witch.
Look out.
She's proper cross now.
- Let's get away from here. - Hang on. I'm having a bit of a think.
A witch she is, says you.
- Then let's use the old loaf, says I. - Let's get back to London.
What we have here is an opportunity.
She don't want anyone to know she's a witch, does she?
Not ruddy likely.
That's the opportunity. And I intend to make the most of it.
Come on.
- Bran porridge. - Thank you, miss.
Very healthful, I'm sure.
- Hurt your foot, Miss Price? - Oh, just twisted my ankle.
- Sorry to hear that. - Thank you. It's nothing serious.
Lovely weather for flying last night.
Why did you say that, Charles?
The game's up, Miss Price. We know what you are.
I see.
Don't worry, Miss Price. No one's gonna peach on you.
Thank you. I should be most grateful if you didn't tell anyone in the village.
Course. There'll have to be one or two little changes made around here.
I mean, I'd like to see an occasional sausage on the table here.
- A bit of strawberry jam. - Charlie!
Let me handle this. And another thing, Miss Price,
there'll be no more of this wash, wash, wash, morning and night.
Anything else?
Now you mention it, I could do with a bit of lolly.
Lolly?
Cash. Cold hard cash. You must have buckets of it.
For your information, the most accomplished of witches
can't make money out of thin air. Have you ever heard of a rich witch?
Be that as it may, you don't want us to blab, do you?
Have you considered what danger you might be in?
I am a witch, you know.
- What will you do, turn me into a toad? - Lovely. A toad with pink eyes.
- I might just do that. - Go on, then. I'll dare you.
Very well, Charles.
You shouldn't have said that to her.
She don't frighten me. She can't even ride a proper broom.
Excuse me, Charles.
Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perogee
Oh, Charlie!
That's better than a toad. That's a rabbit.
Bother. I never seem to be able to manage toads.
Stop. Leave him alone!
Don't let Charlie get hurt.
Oh, not to worry. My spells don't last very long.
I'm just an apprentice witch, you know.
Look out, Charlie!
You flaming brute.
I'll teach you to do that to me.
Let Cosmic Creepers alone. Weren't his fault.
I'm afraid it's my fault.
Bad enough not being able to manage a broom,
I can't perform a simple basic spell.
You dared her to do it. I don't see why we can't all be friends.
- Maybe she's not a wicked witch. - Of course I'm not.
See?
If only I could trust you.
You see, the work I'm doing is so important to the war effort.
- How do you mean? - I mean exceptionally important.
Most secret.
What do you say, Charlie? We can keep a secret.
Yeah. If someone made it worth our while.
- I don't follow. - Simple.
You give us something valuable to seal the pact.
Oh, Charlie, don't try to be clever again.
It's for our own protection, ain't it?
If we broke the pact, we'd have to give back the valuable object.
I think it's an excellent idea.
I wonder what I could give you.
Would you settle for one of my spells?
Bet that's not worth much.
Come with me.
- I like you better as a rabbit, Charlie. - Shut up, you.
Well, I never had a rabbit.
This is my workroom. No one has ever seen it before.
Come along.
All right.
Careful what you touch in here.
Rum sort of place, ain't it?
When I signed for my witchcraft course, there was a free bonus,
a certain marvelous traveling spell, if you paid promptly in advance.
I think I'll give you that one.
- Is it valuable? - Certainly.
- Poisoned dragon's liver? - Poisoned dragon liver.
You mean you poisoned the dragon, or just the liver?
Well, it comes prepared. It's part of the school equipment.
Ah, here we are. The traveling spell. All right, everybody, gather around.
All right, now, let's see.
Does anyone of you have a bracelet, or a ring,
- or something that you can twist? - No, Miss Price.
What about you, Paul?
Always carry a few things around with me.
You never know when they might come in useful.
Piece of blue glass.
Lovely bit of string.
A horseshoe nail.
What's that?
Knob, come from the bed upstairs.
- It twists, don't it? - Yeah, twisted right off.
Yes, I think that will be all right.
Carrie, turn the light down a little bit, will you?
Hellebore, henbane, aconite
Glowworm fire, firefly light
- There. Isn't that pretty? - Is that all we get?
This knob will now work the famous traveling spell.
- And what's the famous traveling spell? - How does it work?
Well, you take this knob and put it back on the bed upstairs.
Then turn it smartly a quarter turn to the left.
Then, in a firm, clear voice, tell it where you want to go,
and the bed will take you there.
- Go on. - Miss Price, will it, really?
Well, I see no reason to think otherwise.
Oh, thank you for the lovely gift.
Oh, I'm sorry. But it does belong to Paul. He's the only one who can work the spell.
- Me? - Yes.
That's right. Mine, weren't it?
- That's the way the spell works. - Nice mess he'll make of things.
Oh, bother. You children run upstairs.
But, mind you, don't try anything with the bedknob till I get back.
Good morning, Miss Price.
I was just admiring the sound workmanship of your lovely house.
- Yes? - I was in the village
and as I was taking my morning constitutional,
Mrs. Hobday asked if I might deliver this letter to you.
Oh, and I must say, I did welcome the opportunity
of having another chat with you. I always find them so refreshing.
Thank you very much.
Dear Madam: It grieves me to inform you
that due to the war, we have been forced to close down our college of witchcraft.
This means that we shall not be sending you the final lesson
in which you expressed so much interest.
We were wondering what was keeping you.
- I've had some very bad news. - Is there anything we can do?
No. No, thank you.
Yes.
- Yes, there is something that Paul can do. - Me?
Paul, I need the bedknob back.
- I must get to London immediately. - No. I want to go to the jungle.
- Oh, I know, but... - Wait a mo.
- I'll handle this. - Charlie, be careful.
What you're saying, Miss Price, is you now wish to take the object
which you gave to an innocent child and get him mixed up
- in some kind of witch's hanky-panky. - Well, yes, in a way, but...
Well, a few odd shillings might fix matters up, as you might say.
No, Charles, money has got nothing to do with it.
And as a matter of fact, neither have you.
Come with me, Paul.
Now, Paul,
ridiculous as it may seem to have to explain this to a 6-year-old child,
but I do need your help.
Go ahead.
I was expecting a very important spell in the mail
from my teacher, Professor Emelius Browne,
- and it hasn't come. - What's that got to do with my knob?
I must go to London immediately and see Professor Browne.
With his help, we may be able to bring this war to a successful end.
That is why I need the knob.
What is your decision?
Thank you, Paul.
I brought this for your hair, Carrie. It may be windy.
Thank you. Oh, it's ever so nice.
Paul, have you been to the bathroom?
- Twice. - Good.
Charles, you better put on something warmer.
The bed may travel quite fast.
I'm not going. I'm staying right here.
But why, Charlie?
All that rubbish about a traveling bed, it won't work.
- That's why. - Carrie, help me to pull the bed out.
We don't want to scratch the wall when we take off, do we?
Now, how's a ruddy big bed like that gonna get out of this room
with those little windows?
I don't know, Charles.
There's a great many things about magic that I don't know.
We'll just have to find out.
Lovely. Just so's you leave me out of it. I don't fancy making a fool of myself.
What's come over you lately, Charlie? You're no fun anymore.
Help me to tidy up the bed, Carrie.
We don't want to go to London with an unmade bed.
- How old is Charles? - Eleven, going on 12.
I see. That's what my father used to call the age of not believing.
What's that supposed to be?
When you rush around In hopeless circles
Searching everywhere For something true
You're at the age of not believing
When all the make-believe is through
That's Charlie to a T.
When you set aside Your childhood heroes
And your dreams are lost upon a shelf
You're at the age of not believing
And worst of all, you doubt yourself
Throw that into the wastebasket.
You're a castaway Where no one hears you
On a barren isle in a lonely sea
What's that supposed to be, poetry?
Where did all the happy endings go?
Where can all the good times be?
Everyone on the bed who's going.
You must face the age of not believing
Doubting everything you ever knew
The knob, Paul.
Until at last, you start believing
There's something wonderful in you
Lovely sentiment, I'm sure.
- Are you ready, Paul? - Yes, Miss Price.
Now, when I say go,
tap the knob three times and turn it a quarter turn to the left.
- Left? - That's it.
Now, we better hold on tight.
The behavior of the bed is something I'm not quite sure of.
- Hey, let me breathe a little. - All right, Paul. Ready?
Go.
One.
Two.
Three.
Nothing happened.
- That's very odd. - I told you it wouldn't work.
Of course, how stupid of me. We didn't tell the object where we wanted to go.
Now, Paul, repeat after me.
Take us to Professor Emelius Browne.
Take us to Professor
- Emelius Browne. - Very good.
Headmaster, Correspondence College of Witchcraft.
Headmaster,
Correspondence
College...
Of Witchcraft, London.
Now go.
One, two, three.
- Is this London? - Course it is.
- Can't you smell that lovely sooty air? - Marvelous, ain't it?
Well, Charles, are you convinced by now?
Not yet, I ain't.
- I don't see no Professor Browne. - Well, neither do I, in point of fact.
You children look after the bed while I make inquiries for Mr. Browne.
- I told you this flaming bed wouldn't work. - Oh, Charlie, don't start that again.
It didn't work proper.
This bed was supposed to take us
- to Professor Browne. - Look.
Professor Browne.
Come on.
Oi, wait a mo. We can't leave the bed there.
Push.
- Which way did he go? - I don't know. Let's try this.
- Push. - Hurry up.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Gather around, please, ladies and gentlemen.
Please note the name, ladies and gentlemen.
Professor Emelius Browne.
I am here to divert, to amuse, and, yes, even to help you.
How can I enrich your lives? My humble talents are at your command.
Ah, madam, what have we here?
- You said you was stony broke. - I don't keep money in me ear hole.
- It's a trick. - Yes, madam, a trick.
Or to use a kinder word, an illusion.
But what isn't in these troubled times?
We live in a world of fakery and false images.
- There he is. - It is not what things are.
It is what they seem to be. Is that not so, madam?
That ain't the kind of professor I expected.
I'm not sure it's the kind of professor Miss Price expected either.
You see, it really doesn't matter what I do, what I do
as long as I do it...
...with a flair.
What effect a little smoke is.
With a dash of hocus-pocus, and the scent of burning...
And the scent of burning sulfur in the air.
I'm a fraud, a hoke A charlatan, a joke
But they love me everywhere
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, for my next trick, may I draw your attention
to this solid piece of ordinary window glass,
framed in an ordinary unprepared frame.
May I also draw your attention to this perfectly ordinary steel nail.
Now, I shall place the framed glass in this brown, unprepared...
Unprepared, mark you, ladies and gentlemen.
Unprepared brown paper bag. I shall now attempt
to drive the steel nail through the glass without breaking the glass.
"Impossible," I can hear you say.
We shall see.
He ain't very good, even if he is a professor.
And it really doesn't matter
What I say, what I say
As long as I say it with a flair
First I rattle off a ready stock Of gibberish and poppycock
And fix you with my best hypnotic stare
With my moans and groans And soporific tones
They have cheered me everywhere
For it really doesn't matter What I say, what I say
I said it when I tell it With a "seemus alabeem"
The magicians' nursery rhyme
Abracadabra!
You succumb... Ooh! To it every time
Wave a stick and each trick
Will mystify and disarm
In fact, to coin a fitting phrase
It works
Like a charm
So it really doesn't matter What I brew, what I brew
As long as I brew it with a flair
Though I've never cast a magic spell
I make the motions very well
My showmanship is far beyond compare
I'm a rogue, a rake A mountebank of fake
But I do whate'er I dare
What a waste of fresh eggs.
They ain't fresh. Smell.
For it really doesn't matter What I do, what I do
You buy my charms and poxes 'Cause they come in fancy boxes
To improve your ugly daughter I've a vial of colored water
And my magic incantations Can be framed as decorations
Though there's really nothing to it And of course you all see through it
You love me 'cause I do it
With a flair
Now, friends.
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to offer you my entire stock of magic.
No, ladies, please don't go. The prices are so low,
you will never cease to marvel at them.
Don't leave now and regret lost opportunities later.
You, young sir. Would you care to warble like the storied nightingale?
With this inexpensive device
you can charm the very birds down from the trees, like so.
- How much? - For you, sir, one penny.
One copper coin of the realm.
Carrie, I'm very surprised at you wandering off like this.
We found him for you, miss. We found Professor Browne.
- Don't work. I've been cheated. - Is that Professor Browne?
It is indeed, my dear. How may I serve you?
Would you be interested in the mating call of the Brazilian Matouacan bird,
known as the bird of love?
Very useful, eh?
You are the headmaster of the Emelius Browne
- Correspondence College of Witchcraft? - The late headmaster.
The college, alas, is now defunct.
Professor Browne, I am one of your pupils.
My dear lady, you are indeed an ornament to the college.
- Splendid. - Not at all.
I was shocked and dismayed when you closed down the college
- without that most important last lesson. - I'm sorry, my dear. No refunds.
Look at your contract.
But I must have the spell that comes with the last lesson.
The matter is closed. I bid you good day.
I have an appointment at my club for squash rackets.
The matter is not closed. Don't let him get away.
Right-o.
- I've got him. Hold him. - Leave of me! Why, you ingrate.
Would you mind...? Would you mind...?
- Would you mind letting go of my leg? - Bash him out!
Will you get this child off my leg? Will you get this child...?
Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perogee
Cor!
Now, I trust you'll behave more like a gentleman.
Look out!
Well, there goes another rabbit.
- What was that about? - I changed you into a rabbit
with one of your own spells.
My spell?
From my school?
Not one of your best spells, in point of fact.
It doesn't last very long. Some of your others are much better.
But I don't understand.
My spell?
They were just nonsense words that I got out of an old book.
Well, they work perfectly well for me.
They work for you?
Good woman, some kind of destiny has brought us together.
You got the words for these spells out of some old book, you say?
Well, more or less. I changed them round a bit.
I gave them a bit of my own style, as it were.
The old sorcerers did have a bit of a tendency to waffle on.
But, dear lady, I never thought I'd meet somebody like you.
What a treasure.
Mr. Browne, will you please stick to the point?
I would like to see this book immediately.
Certainly. It's at my new townhouse. Would you care to join me for luncheon?
We can discuss my ideas at the same time.
Thank you. We'd be delighted.
"We"? Do these three jackals belong to you?
Well, not exactly,
however we shall all go together.
- On the bed? - On the bed, Paul.
Come along.
You go around the other side. I always travel on the left.
Will you give the address to Paul, please?
May I ask how we are going to get there on this bed? Fly?
My dear Professor Browne, with your own traveling spell.
The one you gave with the course as a bonus.
- My traveling spell? That works as well? - Just give the address, please.
8 Winchfield Road.
Bed, take us to 8 Winchfield Road.
Madam, is this vehicle safe?
Oh, perfectly safe.
Bit theatrical perhaps, but then, most good spells are.
Well, we're here. I would never have believed it.
You must have given us the wrong address.
You don't live here, do you?
In point of fact, I do. Temporally, at any rate.
I found the front door open, the house was deserted.
Everyone has left the neighborhood.
Now, why should they do that?
This probably has something to do with it.
Merciful heavens.
I should think you'd be terrified at the very idea of living here.
You would've thought so, wouldn't you? I am by nature a little bit of a coward.
But then I pondered, as I often do. In the perverse nature of things,
this diabolical object is probably the best friend I've ever had.
It enables me, for the first time in my life, to live like a king. Shall we go in?
Rothchild '26. Noble, worldly-wise,
but with a charming touch of innocence, wouldn't you say?
- Mr. Browne, the book. Where is it? - Dear lady, you are relentless.
The book is in the library,
and we shall proceed there after finishing our cheese and wine.
Why do you keep the curtains closed?
So that we may enjoy the gentle glow of candlelight.
More likely so as a copper don't peek in and catch you hiding out here.
Now, why don't you young things have a look round the house?
- I wanna have a chat with Miss Price. - May we?
Yes, run along, children. But mind you, don't touch anything.
Remember, this house does not belong to Mr. Browne.
Mr. Browne, where is that book?
I must have that spell on substitutiary locomotion.
- What is it, a toy shop? - No, it's a nursery.
- Ain't you ever seen a nursery? - No. And neither have you.
And what is substitutiary locomotion?
Substitutiary locomotion is the ancient and mystic art
of causing objects to take on a life force of their own.
Why are you so interested in that?
Because I know that it can only help the war effort.
- I must see the nature of the spell. - Precisely, my good woman.
But now you must hear my ideas.
What are you reading?
- Can't be no such place. - There is too such a place.
These pictures proves it, don't it?
Bit weird, though, ain't it? Animals wearing hats and things.
Oh, I like it.
Now, would you hold this, please?
What do you think of that?
Well, I don't know what to think.
Miss Price, just think how successful I could be
with an assistant who can really do magic.
- Oh? - Dear lady,
have you ever considered entering what some of us call "show business"?
- The what business? - The theater.
Pantomimes, village fairs, the sea side, Brighton, Blackpool, follies on the prom.
Mr. Browne, I have very important work to do.
Listen to me, we could make a packet.
Let us strike a bargain
You possess a gift
But I can speak the jargon That will give your gift the needed lift
- Oh? - You possess the know-how
And I command the show-how
Oh, how successful you could be
With me
I'm afraid we're wasting valuable time.
- What's your name? - Miss Price.
- No, no, your first name, my dear. - Eglantine.
Eglantine.
Eglantine, Eglantine Oh, how you'll shine
Your lot and my lot Have got to combine
Eglantine, Eglantine, hark to the stars Destiny calls us, the future is ours
As the shine sells the boot And the blossoms the fruit
All you need to succeed in your plan
Is the proper ally upon whom to rely
And I'm your man
For I have an acumen That's nigh superhuman
I sell things that nobody can
So I humbly suggest You accept my behest
I'm your man
- Eglantine, Eglantine - Mr. Browne.
Oh, how you'll shine
- Will you please stop? - Your lot and my lot
Have got to combine
- Eglantine, Eglantine, hark to the stars - Mr. Browne, do you hear me?
- Destiny calls us, the future is ours - Mr. Browne, I'm warning you.
With my expert pantomiming The proper taste and timing
I'll introduce you in the manner grand
I'll whet their appetite for you I'll set the scene so right for you
We'll have the beggars Eating out of your hand
As the words sell the tune
And the moonbeams, the moon
All you need to succeed in your plan
Is a champion rare With a flourish
And a flair
And I'm your man
Do stop prancing about. There's serious work to be done.
I have always had A bit of a knack for witchcraft
Common spells and simple charms Came naturally
So when the war began I conjured up a plan
To do my bit In the national emergency
I enrolled in your Correspondence College of Witchcraft
And I slaved at every lesson As it came
But the spell I counted on Is the lesson that is gone
It's disappeared And you're the one to blame
Your suggestions are rash And your manner is brash
And I've no time to waste Mr. Browne
If I am to proceed It's that book that I need
Don't let me down
But if you'll see me through I'll discuss it with you
Though I've no taste For playing the clown
If I meet with success Then I might acquiesce
I won't let you down
Eglantine, Eglantine Oh, how you'll shine
Your lot and my lot Have got to combine
Eglantine, Eglantine Hark to the stars
Destiny calls us The future
Mr. Browne, I'm warning you.
I warned you, Mr. Browne.
Now, where is the book?
Well, where is it?
At last, Mr. Browne.
Of course.
Oh, here's the traveling spell. This is where you got it.
Does one's nose have to twitch like this?
Oh, you're back, Mr. Browne.
Miss Price, a word about your tactics.
I don't mind being changed into a hawk or a tiger.
Or something with a bit of dash to it. But always a fluffy white rabbit.
It's intolerable.
Ah, here we are, "Substitutiary locomotion."
"The ancient art of..." Et cetera.
"The spell which creates this force is five mystic words.
These words are..."
But the rest of the book is missing.
Now you see why I closed down the college.
- But where are the other pages? - Haven't the foggiest.
- Listen to me, Mr. Browne. - I'm all ears.
You will be if you don't pay attention. Where did you get this book?
Well, I bought it from a chap in the street market.
There was a bit of unpleasantness, as a matter of fact.
He claimed that I'd given him a dud coin, I ask you.
There was a sort of scuffle, the book tore, he got one half and I got the other.
But where's the other half now?
Oh, it's probably been thrown away. But if it still exists,
- there's only one place to find it. - Where is that?
Portobello Road, Portobello Road
Street where the riches Of ages are stowed
Anything and everything A chap can unload
Is sold off the barrow In Portobello Road
You'll find what you want In the Portobello Road
- Rare alabaster - Genuine plaster
A filigreed samovar owned by the tsars
- A pen used by Shelley - A new Botticelli
The snippers that clipped Old King Edward's cigars
Made in Hong Kong? Two bob a dozen, would you say?
- Waterford crystal - Napoleon's pistols
Society heirlooms with genuine gems
Rembrandts, El Grecos Toulouse-Lautrecos
Painted last week On the banks of the Thames
Very interesting. But where do they sell books?
There's a little place around the corner.
Portobello Road, Portobello Road
Street where the riches Of ages are stowed
Anything and everything A chap can unload
Is sold off the barrow In Portobello Road
You'll meet all your chums In the Portobello Road
Lovely to see you. Goodbye.
What I want is the other half of this book.
All in good time, my dear.
There's pure inspiration In every creation
No cheap imitation Not here in me store
With garments as such as Was worn by a duchess
Just once at some Royal occasion of yore
You look charming, my dear.
In Portobello Road, Portobello Road
The fancies and fineries Of ages are showed
A lady will always feel Dressed a la mode
In frillies she finds
- In the Portobello Road - In the Portobello Road
Burke's Peerage, The Bride Book The Fishmonger's Guidebook
I'm looking for the other part of this, thank you.
A Victorian novel, The Unwanted Son
You don't understand...
- The History of Potting - The Yearbook of Yachting
The leather-bound Life of Attila the Hun
Portobello Road, Portobello Road
Street where the riches Of ages are stowed
Artifacts to glorify a regal abode
Are hidden in the flotsam In Portobello Road
Who do you think you are, Queen of Sheba?
Tokens and treasures Yesterday's pleasures
Cheap imitations of heirlooms of old
Dented and tarnished Scarred and unvarnished
In old Portobello They're bought and they're sold
Tokens and treasures Yesterday's pleasures
Cheap imitations of heirlooms of old
Dented and tarnished Scarred and unvarnished
In old Portobello...
This good lady is looking for the other half of this book.
It's called The Spells of Astoroth.
I don't keep no torn or damaged books here.
What do you think I am, a ruddy wastepaper merchant?
You can eat like a king In Portobello Road
I think, if I'm right, there's another bookstore along here somewhere.
Grandpa, you don't expect to sell a piano like that, do you?
Let me have a go, my dear fellow.
Oh!
Portobello Road, Portobello Road
Happy things are happening In Portobello Road
You feel like a ballerina When you're hopping like a toad
When you kick your heels up Down in Portobello Road
- Come on. - One more time.
- Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah. Come on in there. - Come on.
Oh, yeah.
Go around the drum now, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, play the drum.
Come on.
Oh!
Missed me.
Come on, ducks.
Come on, girls.
Lovely.
Closing time.
Closing time. Closing time. Closing time.
Closing time. Closing time.
- Bye. - Bye.
Bye.
Portobello Road
Street where the riches Of ages are stowed
Anything and everything A chap can unload
Hey, guvnor. Oi, tosh. Something for the lady friend?
- Nylons? - No, thank you.
Petrol coupons?
- Chocs for the little ones? - No.
How about one of these, mate? Fell off the back of a lorry.
- Do be a good chap and run away. - Would you fancy this, then?
Ah, now you have my undivided attention. What can I do for you, friend?
You're to get over to the Bookman straightaway. He wants to see you.
You too.
Who is the Bookman? And what right has he got to order me about?
Under the circumstances, I think we better ask questions later. Excuse me.
Half a mo. Why am I pushing this here flaming bed?
Because, my friend, this magnificent bed once belonged to the Duke of Wellington.
You see?
- I ain't sure I do. - It is extremely valuable,
and I wish to give it to the Bookman as a present.
All right, all right. I'll push the blasted thing.
I thought you would.
- Who is it? - I brought the woman.
- And him as well. - Well, send them in.
- In you come. - Right. In we come.
Sorry, guv. No one told me about the stairs.
Why didn't you just bring Scotland Yard, Swinburne,
and half the household cavalry as well?
- What's the bed for? - It's a present for you.
That's what he said.
Nothing of the sort. The bed belongs to me.
Except for this knob, which is mine.
Be that as it may, Bookman, there's been bad blood between us long enough.
Let this glittering gift begin friendship anew.
- Draw the curtains and lock the door. - You'll be snug as a bug.
Mr. Browne, isn't that the section of the manuscript
- that we've been looking for? - Who is this person?
Miss Eglantine Price, a charming young woman of my acquaintance.
Miss Price, I've been looking for this other bit a long time.
Mr. Swinburne told me you were in the market making inquiries.
And here we are. I don't mind saying to see it all together at last,
there isn't much I wouldn't do...
Or haven't done, for that matter. Right, guv?
You'll close your mouth, Swinburne. Is that clear?
It's all rather like a jolly detective story, or jigsaw puzzle, isn't it?
We're both after the same spell.
You have one clue, I have the other.
Yes. In that case, the sensible thing seems to be for us to cooperate.
Yes. I'd rather cooperate with a cobra.
Would you prefer that I ask Swinburne to take the book from her?
Here, you. None of that.
- Bookman. - Yes.
I assume you're looking for the same thing I am.
May I?
This is quite a moment for both of us.
"Substitutiary locomotion, the lost miracle of the ancients."
And so on and so forth. Ah, here we are.
"The spell which creates this force is five mystic words. These words are..."
"Engraved on the star that was always worn by the sorcerer Astoroth."
But where are the words of the spell?
I assumed they'd be in your half of the manuscript.
But I thought they'd be in yours.
Once again, a dead end.
I shall never know the secret.
Isn't that old Astoroth?
And there's his star.
It's a pity it's so small you can't read the writing.
But why the animals?
Towards the end of his life, Astoroth kept animals in cages
and searched for the spells that would make them more like humans.
The legend is that finally the animals rebelled at the experiment,
killed Astoroth, and stole many of his powers.
- Including the star with the spell on it. - Possibly.
They found a ship, sailed away, and were never heard of again.
However, there is a final notation in my half of the book
saying that in the 17th century
a shipwrecked lascar was taken from the sea
half mad with thirst and exposure to the sun.
Before he died, he swore he had seen an island ruled by animals.
- Where? - There is, I regret to say, no such island.
I looked for it in every chart. The Isle of Naboombu does not exist.
Oh, it does too. Got me own...
- What is he trying to say? - Nothing.
When he don't say nothing, he burbles.
I wish the child to speak.
- Now you've done it. - There is too such a place.
Got me own book. There. Real pretty letters, ain't it?
Let me see it.
You're not interested, Bookman. It's just a simple children's book.
I'll be the judge of that.
- Give it to me. - No.
Please don't annoy me.
- Give me the book, boy. - Not likely.
Bit of a stalemate, isn't it?
If it's all the same to you, I'd rather use me own.
Sentiment, you know.
Come along, Paul. I believe it's time to go.
Go? How, my dear? The door is locked.
Observe the fundamental weakness of the criminal mind.
- You will believe no one or anything. - I understand.
- The knob, Paul. - Right.
Of course you do, my dear. Do you realize we can tell them the complete truth?
They will believe nothing.
- He's up to something, you know. - Bookman, before your very eyes,
I shall cause this bed, and all the occupants upon it, to disappear.
Disappear?
I should like to see a cheapjack, tenth-rate entertainer do a trick like that.
Cheapjack entertainer. Now, that was naughty.
- All right, Paul. - Where to?
To the island of Naboombu.
- I'm very curious about that place. - Good.
Bed, take us to the island of Naboombu.
Enough of this nonsense. Get the book.
Beastly climate. I never did fancy the sea.
- Where are we? - Naboombu, of course.
Ain't never seen no island like this before.
I'm afraid we may have fallen into the lagoon.
That's right. Here we are, on page three.
Hoy, Mr. Codfish.
Hello, young fellow. Welcome to Naboombu Lagoon.
Now I'm hearing things. Fish don't talk.
Ahem. Not too bright, is he?
- He's me brother. - Oh?
Sorry.
Mr. Codfish, where is the island of Naboombu?
You mean the land part? Oh, that.
Straight up. You can't miss it. None of my business, of course,
but I shouldn't go there if I were you. Having troubles, they are.
- Troubles? - He's right, you know. A lot of trouble.
Well, trouble or not, we should be getting along.
I wish to see who is in charge.
What's the rush? It's really rather splendid down here.
- For you, my dear. - Oh, thank you.
How pleasant bobbing along
Bobbing along on the bottom Of the beautiful briny sea
What a chance to get a better peep
At the plants
And creatures of the deep
We glide
Far below the rolling tide
Serene
Through the bubbly blue and green
It's lovely bobbing along
Bobbing along on the bottom Of the beautiful briny sea
What if the octopus The flounder and the cod
Think we're rather odd?
It's fun to promenade
- Bobbing along, singing a song - Bobbing along, singing a song
- On the bottom of the beautiful briny sea - On the bottom of the beautiful briny sea
Look.
It's lovely
Bobbing along
On the bottom of the beautiful briny sea
- What a chance to get a better peep - What a chance to get a better peep
- At the plants and creatures of the deep - At the plants and creatures of the deep
It's grand
When you're dancing on the sand
Each glance
Bubbles over with romance
- It's lovely bobbing along - It's lovely bobbing along
- Bobbing along through the water - Bobbing along through the water
- Where we get along swimmingly - Where we get along swimmingly
Far from the frenzy Of the frantic world above
- Two beneath the blue - Could even fall in love
- Bobbing along, singing a song - Bobbing along, singing a song
- On the bottom of the beautiful briny sea - On the bottom of the beautiful briny sea
- Bobbing along, singing a song - Bobbing along, singing a song
- On the bottom of the beautiful briny - On the bottom of the beautiful briny
- Shimmery shiny - Shimmery shiny
- Beautiful briny sea - Beautiful briny sea
Bravo, bravo. Most exciting, most exciting.
You've won the ruddy cup.
Help! Help!
Uh-oh. Oh, oh, oh!
This time, I really got a whopper.
People? People? Oh, no!
What scurvy luck.
- My goodness. - I'll deal with this, my dear.
- Don't you know that...? - Good day, captain.
I used to be a bit of a seafaring man myself.
Many's the time I've shipped out of Portsmouth.
Delighted to meet a fellow mariner.
Huh? Now, stow it, mate.
- Oh, really. - Can't you read reading, huh?
Uh, it says, um, "No peopling allowed."
- "No peopling allowed"? Ridiculous. - Don't antagonize him, Mr. Browne.
That means I gotta throw you all back, that's what it do.
Wait a minute.
It says here that anybody can see the king.
- And that's the law. - Where do it say that?
Here in me book.
Mm-hm. So it do.
Ah, ah, ah. But if you people know what was good for you,
you'd get yourselves all throwed back. The king don't like people.
Nonetheless, we must see the king on an urgent personal matter.
Please, lead the way.
Uh-huh. But just don't say I didn't warn you, see.
Follow me.
You're all from some clipper
That flies the black ball
To me, aye, aye, blow the man down
I'm a peace-loving sailor And that sure ain't all
Blow, blow, blow the man down
Get out of here!
Yes, yes. What can I do for you?
I caught some people down at the sea lagoon.
- They wanna see the king. - Really?
Well, we can't be bothered with that sort of thing now, can we?
I don't know that I fancy this.
His Majesty is in a frightful rage.
Excuse me, sir. As an all-around entertainer of sorts,
I am considered not without talent. Perhaps I can cheer him up.
No, no, no. You don't understand.
As everyone knows,
His Majesty is the world's greatest soccer player.
But due to a technical problem,
the royal-cup match cannot take place today.
And His Majesty had so set his heart on it.
Throw these, uh,
oh, creatures back into the sea.
Aye, aye, sir.
Just a moment. I can help.
Do you really think so? I'd be most grateful.
- Do you know soccer? - Do I know anything about soccer?
Why, I was captain of Tottenham Hotspurs for two years,
three seasons with Manchester United.
- Before that l... - Yes, yes, yes. You'll do.
Come this way, please.
Mr. Browne, are you certain you'll be all right?
Now what?
Not an ideal person in many respects, but Mr. Browne is a very brave man.
Huh?
Do you think he's done for?
Do you think so?
Can't tell you how I appreciate this.
For some reason,
we have great difficulty finding referees round here.
If there be one thing we like, it's volunteers.
Eh, Birdy?
- He's a proper king. Look at his crown. - What's he got round his neck?
What a magnificent ornament, sire.
Arr. Yes.
Wouldn't be without it. Been in the family for years.
The Star of Astoroth.
You're to sit in His Majesty's royal box.
No littering, no chewing, no fruit or wrappers from boiled sweets, please.
Rise, please.
Loyal fans, this is official!
We have a volunteer referee!
Let the match begin.
He's still wearing it.
Right, Dirty Yellows. Let's have a nice clean game.
Right, True Blues. Best foot forward.
Weird sort of game they play here.
Hurry up! Get rid of it!
Gracious.
You're doing fine, matey.
Move it around. Move it around.
Get on with the match.
- Foul. Foul. - They're only animals.
That's no excuse for dirty football.
Awww.
Ref, are you blind?
Be quiet, Charles. Don't forget who the referee is.
Ooh.
- Don't they have no rules? - Of course they do.
The king makes them up as he goes along.
Ouch!
Poor Mr. Browne. Do you think he's all right?
Well, he's moving.
Steady, matey, move it around.
Tsk. Oh, he almost had it then.
Looks like he's done for this time.
Don't just stand there, head it in.
Stop that ball!
Goal.
The game is over. I win.
Arr, let me give you a hand, matey.
That's quite all right, Your Majesty. Thank you so much.
Oh, please, let me help you on with your robe.
Why, yes. Thank you, thank you. Yes.
Can't have you catching cold, sire, can we?
Why, no, no.
Have you ever heard of something called the "gypsy switch"?
No. Can't say that I have.
Remind me to tell you about it some time.
I can't tell you when we've had such a good time.
We'll carry the memory of Your Majesty in our hearts for a long while.
I think it's time to leave.
- Aye. Must you go? - Must be dashing. Marvelous game.
- Lovely to see you. Goodbye. - Goodbye.
- Come on, children.
- Goodbye. - Goodbye.
Friendly lot. Hee-hee-hee.
Don't mind them visiting. Wouldn't want them living here.
- Come along, children. - Come on, children. Hurry up.
Stop gibbering. What's the matter with you?
Your royal star. They've stolen your royal star.
Don't be ridiculous. What do you think this is?
Why didn't you say so?
All right, Paul, put the knob on the bed.
Ah. At last, the magic words:
"Treguna, mekoides, trecorum, satis dee."
I'll keep it. Women always lose things.
- Hurry, Paul. The knob. - It's stuck.
- I suppose I better do something. - Please do. Quick.
Got it.
Filigree, apogee, pedigree
Oh, bother. I do hate shoddy work.
I don't suppose I shall ever get used to this thing.
Children, will you push the bed back into place, please?
I think we could all do with a nice cup of tea.
Oh, no time for that.
I've gone to a lot of trouble to find this spell.
I'm going to try it immediately.
Mr. Browne, kindly let me have your shoes, please.
My sh... Oh, fine.
- What's the shoes for? - Really, Charles.
If you'd been paying attention, I should think you'd be aware
that substitutiary locomotion
is the art of causing inanimate objects to take on a life force of their own.
Obviously, I must have inanimate objects to experiment with.
Makes sense, don't it?
Stand back, everyone. I need plenty of room.
I want you all to be absolutely quiet.
Mr. Browne, you have the star of Astoroth, I believe.
Oh, yes. It's in my nice, clean hanky.
It's all right, Mr. Browne.
I should have realized that it would be quite impossible
to take an object from one world into another.
If only I would've had the sense to remember the words on that star.
- I know the words, Miss Price. - Don't bother Miss Price. She's thinking.
Charlie, why don't you and I nip down to the village
and get something for supper?
And I might conceivably call into the pub for a pint to steady my nerves.
- Trebonna. - I do know the words, Miss Price.
Come along, Paul. How can you know the words when Miss Price doesn't?
- You wish to put this on Miss Price's bill? - That is correct.
- I don't believe we've met. - Oh, allow me to introduce myself.
I am Miss Price's teacher, Emelius Browne, from London.
Professor Browne. Of course.
Oh, how many times I've seen your name on your packages to Miss Price.
Oh, extremely masculine handwriting.
I should have known. Professor Emelius Browne.
- The very same. - I'll confess something.
Such was the nature and frequency of your correspondence with Miss Price,
I ventured the hope there was something of a personal interest between you.
Ah. If there only were. Miss Price is a fine woman.
I most heartily agree. We're very fond of her here.
- I'm sure. - In point of fact,
how many times I've said to myself:
"Oh, fortunate is the man who can secure Miss Price for a wife."
Well, one could say that, yes.
- You yourself are not married? - Alas, no.
These are strange and fearful times in which we live, my good woman.
Who could ask someone you cherish to share such an uncertain future?
Very well. Don't say I didn't warn you, Professor Browne.
One of these days, you mark my words, someone will come riding out of nowhere
to seize and carry off Miss Price before your very eyes.
I shouldn't be surprised. Charles.
Good morning.
And who was that, may I ask?
Professor Emelius Browne from London. He's come to see Miss Price.
A very good friend, I understand.
Oh. Indeed.
- That Mrs. Hobday seemed to fancy you. - Shh.
- I consider her a very dangerous person. - What, her?
Mrs. Hobday is that most dangerous of species, a matchmaker.
- Troop movements and massing of barges
in French and Dutch channel ports.
The prime minister has told the nation
to be on the alert for signs of a possible invasion.
That was the news...
To think I might have been able to do something about all this.
It's out of your hands now, my dear.
If only I could have remembered those words. It's maddening.
- Why don't someone ask me? - Come off it, Paul.
You can't remember those kind of words.
You mean like "treguna, mekoides, trecorum, satis dee"?
Treguna, mekoides, trecorum, satis dee?
How do you know that?
Easy. It says so right here in me book.
You mean it was there in your book all the time?
Yeah. But nobody ever listens to me.
Treguna, mekoides, trecorum, satis dee
- Nothing happened. - Shh.
Am I doing something wrong?
Well, to tell you the truth, it does seem a bit old-fashioned.
- After all, we are in the 20th century. - What do you suggest?
Well, it needs rhythm, tempo, music.
As I always say, "Do it with a flair." Do you mind if I have a go?
Oh, of course not.
Now, come along, you lot. We need all the help we can get.
Treguna, mekoides, trecorum, satis dee
Substitutiary locomotion
Mystic power That's far beyond the wildest notion
It's so weird, so feared And yet wonderful to see
Substitutiary locomotion, come to me
Shh!
Now.
Treguna, mekoides, trecorum, satis dee
Cor.
Treguna, mekoides And trecorum, satis dee
I don't want locomotiary substitution
Or remote intransitory convolution
Only one precise solution is the key
Substitutiary locomotion they must be
Treguna, mekoides And trecorum, satis dee
Ooh!
Substitutiary locomotion, lovely
Substitutiary locomotion
You've made substitutiary history
With treguna, mekoides And a little help from me
With treguna, mekoides And trecorum, satis dee
Lumme!
- Mr. Browne, what is going on here? - I haven't the foggiest.
How do you do?
Oh, shall we?
- That's my nightgown. - Is it really, my dear?
Yes. And I'm not responsible for its behavior.
Obviously not, my dear.
Paul, what on earth are you doing?
Having a jolly good time, that's what.
- How can we stop all this? - Must we? It's really most agreeable.
Yes, but we must do something.
Didn't I give you my all-purpose cut-off spell?
- Lesson number 8. - Number 8.
- Yes, number 8, I think it was. - Oi, me Sunday trousers.
Buzz off, old chap. Find your own dancing partner. Oof!
Ow!
Be careful, Carrie. Slow down.
Charles.
Mr. Browne, will you please control your shoes?
Dear lady, I very much fear that we have nothing under control.
Ah! Aah! Aah!
Do you mind?
Now, who would like some more of my lovely sausages and mash?
- No more for me, thank you. - Oh. Carrie?
That was very good, but I've already had two helpings.
- I'm full. - Me too.
Well, at least somebody wants some.
Cheer up, my dear.
This should be something of a celebration.
I'm sorry. There doesn't seem to be much to celebrate.
- I still haven't mastered that spell. - Of course you have.
You just need a little more practice, that's all.
- Do you really think so? - No doubt about it.
Meantime, there's nothing to liven the spirits
like a little master juggling.
- Right, Charlie? - Go on, then, guv. Give us some juggling.
Very few better than me at this.
All you need is 20 years' practice and a touch of genius.
Never happened to me before.
I don't usually juggle with cats under my feet.
Look, she's laughing.
Oh.
Oh, Mrs. Hobday, do come in.
Oh, I can't stop, my dear. I just come by to bring you the good news.
- Good news? - Yes, yes. Mr. Bisselthwaite
who brings the milk, you know?
Well, he's promised to take the children in.
He and his wife have got that farm, just the place for growing children.
Put a bit of color back in their cheeks.
Why, what's the matter?
I thought you'd be pleased.
You told me that you were much too busy. You had no time to take care of children.
Well, circumstances have changed somewhat.
That's right. We got a dad now, Mr. Browne.
Paul!
- Miss Price, is this true? - Of course.
You do want him to stay with us, don't you, Miss Price?
I suppose I hadn't really thought about it.
What about him? What do you say about it, Mr. Browne?
Well, it... It's all rather sudden. I don't quite know what to say.
Oh, then I'll leave you two to talk it over. Oh, I'll come back in the morning.
- Yes, good night. Good night. - Good night.
It is true, Mr. Browne.
You are going to be our father now, aren't you?
Well, we...
We are rather rushing things, aren't we?
Perhaps Mr. Browne has other things besides you children to think about.
Yes, well, as a matter of fact, I should have left ages ago.
I must get a train back to London tonight.
It's rather an important matter, as a matter of fact, that had...
I'd like to tell you about it, but it's a little bit hush-hush, you know.
Sort of a secret.
Well, if, uh...
If I've been any sort of help to you, I'm pleased.
You've been immensely kind. Thank you.
I've enjoyed being with you.
Perhaps it's been good for all of us.
Will you be coming back?
Someday, my dear.
I certainly hope that we shall meet again, someday.
When all this war business is over.
I see.
And then, perhaps, I shall realize my fondest dream,
Eglantine and Emelius, illusionists extraordinary.
Just think how that will look on the poster, huh?
The children are going to miss you.
- You really think they will? - Yes.
Well, I shall miss you.
All of you.
If I don't go now, you might never get rid of me.
Goodbye, Carrie.
- Must you really go? - Yes, l... I think it's best for everybody.
- Goodbye, Paul. - I still think you should be our father.
Goodbye, Charlie.
Do you want me to come down to the station with you?
No, no. No, you stay here and look after everybody.
- Goodbye, Miss Price. - Goodbye, Mr. Browne.
No one to miss If he's gone too long
No one to comfort If things go wrong
That's how I want it to be
Nobody's problems for me
No one who needs me To ease his pain
No one to call me His ball and chain
Nobody's problems for me
And that's how I choose it to be
No troubles and strife In this life that I lead
No tempers to humor No hungers to feed
No one to warm When the winter's cold
No one to pamper No hand to hold
And that's how it always will be No
Nobody's problems for me
Oh, when is the next train to London, please?
Lord bless you, sir. There ain't no train.
Not until milk job, 4 a.m. Tomorrow morning.
- You mind if I waited here? - You suit yourself.
- Good night, sir. - Good night.
Out you go, Cosmic.
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
Hello? The...
Emelius Browne,
do you know you could be warm and cozy in that house at this very moment?
For once in your useless life, you really seem to have been needed.
You're a failure, Emelius Browne.
And a coward.
No, Fraulein, this is not the invasion, just a little exercise.
A minor raid to induce panic and to spread a little mischief.
When you English get it through your head
that the German forces can land at will whenever and wherever we please,
perhaps you will consider reasonable peace.
Not bloody likely.
Go on, Miss Price. Do it to him.
I must say, it's very tempting.
Colonel, how would you feel about being turned into a nice white rabbit?
I said, how would you feel about being turned into a nice white rabbit?
Be quiet, please.
Filigree, apogee, epigee...
- Not again. - Your memory, Miss Price.
Charles, would you kindly fetch my notebook from the workroom?
Right-o.
Let go of that child this instant!
Silence!
Fraulein, we have work to do.
I am sorry, but I must send all of you someplace
where you will no longer be a nuisance.
As the words sell the tune
And the moonbeams the moon
All I need to succeed in my plan Is a champion rare
With a flourish and a flair
Eglantine.
Where's the spell for rabbits? Easiest of all, she says.
Confound it. God, women never learn to file things properly.
Here it is. "Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perogee."
That's it
Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perogee
Now, come along, my boy.
Just for once in your life, you've got to believe in something.
That's it. Good lad.
Filigree, apogee, pedigree, perogee
Now, what's the use of putting the children and me
in that drafty castle?
- It's quite chilly, you know. - Because, Fraulein,
the colonel believes when a British female decides to become a nuisance,
she can become the greatest nuisance in the world.
And I'm inclined to agree with him.
I believe you need a lesson in manners, sergeant.
If I only had my notebook, I'd make certain you'd learn a few.
Jumping Jehosaphat. More Jerries.
Take it easy, can't you?
- Try holding your breath. - I am holding it.
We could strip him down and grease him with soap.
No, it's no good. We can't do it.
I could've told you that in the first place.
If we can't get Paul out to give the alarm,
we'll just have to think of something else.
What about that spell that makes things move about?
- Oh, but I need weapons. - How about all these things?
I'm afraid they're a bit ancient.
- Where did this come from? - It's Mr. Browne. That's who it is.
He's on his way to London.
Mr. Browne?
If you are Mr. Browne, would you be kind enough
to get down off my lap?
It is Mr. Browne.
It is you.
You didn't think that I could do that spell, did you?
I am glad to see you. But what about all these Germans?
Well, as Charlie says, what's wrong with the substitutiary locomotion spell?
That ought to be useful.
Oh, but it isn't ready yet. You saw what happened this afternoon.
We have to chance it. We can't let these so-and-sos get away
with their beastly little raid.
Mr. Browne, won't you get up off the floor and we'll go to work.
- Jolly good luck, my dear. - Thank you, Emelius.
Let's hope you haven't forgotten the spell.
- Oh, not this time, Charlie. - I found this in the castle.
Probably not a magic broom, but it might make you feel more at home.
Well, thank you, Carrie. That was very thoughtful.
Come now, children, let's get out of Miss Price's way.
Treguna
Mekoides
Trecorum
Satis dee
Look.
Aah!
Sound the advance!
Just in time for the kickoff.
Steady on the left.
Victory for England and St. George!
Like a Lord Mayor's Show.
Pikemen, hold your distance.
Fire!
Blimey.
- Where is it coming from, sergeant? - Sounds like the sea road, sir.
- Come on, lads! After me. - Come on. Fall in, lads.
Ah!
Good shooting, bowmen.
Well caught, sir. Very good.
Oh! Ack!
Knock his block off! That's it!
Mr. Browne, make those children take cover this instant.
Are you still there, colonel? I thought you'd be on your way by now.
You see? Things may not be so easy for you, after all.
Goodbye, colonel.
Ooh!
- Eglantine. Oh, Eglantine. - Dear Mr. Browne.
Miss Price, we thought they'd damaged you.
See? No one can hurt Miss Price.
There they are, lads!
I sensed something was afoot.
All right, drive them into the sea!
Firing positions, you fellows. Both sides.
All right, men! Hold your fire!
I think we've taught the Hun a lesson.
He'll think twice before coming back here again.
It's tragic, all your spells, your equipment, all gone.
Still, I was able to perform some small service first.
That mean you ain't gonna be a witch no more?
- Never? - No, Paul.
I realized some time ago that I could never be a proper witch.
When was that?
Was it that first magic moment when you laid eyes on me?
No, it was the day my poisoned dragon's liver arrived.
I knew then that anyone who felt the way I did
about poisoned dragon's liver had no business being a witch.
You're certain you're doing the right thing?
Well, I think so. The way things are, it's much too dangerous being a civilian.
- Take care of yourself, guv. - I'll do that.
And I'll be back before you've grown an inch taller.
We'll be together again.
Sounds like you have an escort to the station.
Left. Swing, left. Parade, halt.
Well, here we go.
- Permission to move off, sir. - Carry on, sergeant.
Parade, by the right, quick.
March, left, left.
Left, right, left.
I suppose that's it.
We ain't gonna have no fun no more.
Well, still got this, ain't I?
Call out the navy, call out the ranks
Call out the air force, call out the tanks
From the cliffs of Dover, call up the gulls
And don't forget the loyal territorials
But who's digging in here
Who will defend every inch of England No matter what they send?
Who's standing firm In our own front yard?
The soldiers of the old home guard That's who!
The soldiers of the old home guard
I don't mind saying to see it all together at last,
there isn't much I wouldn't do.
---the end---